I didn’t wear any mascara to work this morning. Since August 29th, my first day, I have gotten up every morning and put on my makeup. But for some reason this morning I looked at that old tube my sister gave me back in February in Niger and I decided I didn’t want to fool with it. It was old and dried out from traveling across three continents. And I just felt the freedom not to today.
I arrived at school a little earlier than normal this morning and decided to use the restroom before heading out to the bus loop for my morning duty. What I found in there sent the course of my day on a detour that was shocking and unexpected. I quickly grabbed my cell phone and ran to the office calling Dave on the way. In the office I found the whole administrative team. The news flooded out of me with hot tears.
“I’m pregnant and bleeding,” I announced, ” I need to leave for the doctor right now.” They encouraged me to GO. Asked me if I needed help. Told me not to worry about a substitute. I talked with them briefly about my schedule and my lesson plans and I hurried to the car.
The traffic was thick by that time. I talked with Dave several times. He worked to arrange things with the OB office letting them know I was on my way. I left weepy voice mails for my dad , mom, and sister asking them to pray. Further down the road a tired sounding Laura called back to pray with me over the phone. Then my mom did the same.
The cramps were getting worse and at times I wept hard thinking about my baby and its struggle for life. I took a pregnancy test back in the end of August the same week I started my new job. For some reason this one felt different in my heart and my head. I held onto my news and didn’t feel like shouting it out like I did with the others. I felt guilty and apologetic for not valuing the life inside me. I thought about the furniture I had moved and the bumps my belly had taken lately as I played with the kids. And then I heard that still small voice and I began to pray. I asked God to protect me and the life inside me and I surrendered us to him, the Author of Life.
After a lot of searching, I found my OB office in a new location, and greeted the receptionist with my story: I had no appointment, no insurance card, no pregnancy that their office had confirmed, just a feeling of urgency and tears. I waited for a little while and was called to the back. I met with my OB who examined me and ordered an ultra sound. She echoed my fears saying that she didn’t know for sure, but wanted me to be prepared that this could very well be a miscarriage.
I waited some more again trying to hold back the tears as I tried to read a magazine about the royal wedding. Finally I was called back to the ultra sound room. When the tech saw my uterus on the screen she frowned.
“I see your gestational sac, but it’s empty. If you were eight weeks pregnant we would be able to see a baby with a heart beat. Maybe you’re not as far along as you thought.” She offered, “Sometimes we can be wrong about these things.”
“But even if I was five weeks or four, you would see something in that sac.” I questioned more than stated. She shook her head in agreement.
“What does this mean? Can you tell me?”
“I’m sorry,” she said, “You have to wait and talk to your doctor. I can’t make a diagnosis. She will use the blood work and exam to get a full picture.”
Dave and I were very sure about the date of conception. There was no doubt in my mind that this result meant I was not going to be able to “keep” this baby. As I waited to talk to my doctor again I tried not to think about it- not to pray- not to worry, but I had to let myself cry. I couldn’t go back to the waiting room and act like nothing was wrong. I sat and watched an infant play with his daddy’s nose. I smiled through the tears and thought of my own when they were so small. How quickly those moments pass. Life is such a gift from heaven. New life is a sparkly, infectious, overwhelming joy that all of share and smile at when we see.
Back in the exam room, my doctor encouraged me. She showed me the pictures taken at the ultra sound and told me that she believed I had a blighted ovum. The fertilized egg never grew into an embryo. My body thought I was pregnant, but there was no viable embryo inside of me. We will wait a week and have another ultra sound hoping that by some miracle there is a growing embryo inside of me. If next week’s tests are the same as today’s we will consider the pregnancy a loss.
This evening I am flooded with relief and thankfulness. I am not in control of conception and the miracle that happens in the secret places inside me. I trust a creator who is also my keeper, my protector, and my strength. He has given me three beautiful, joy-filled children to come home to today. Although I am a little sad adjusting to the change in our plans that swept upon us today, I am so aware that our lives are safe in his hands.
And so I’m asking all of you to pray for a special grace this week. My doctor says I will likely miscarry the gestational sac this week and to be prepared for that. I am experiencing quite a bit of cramping and some bleeding already. We are also processing some difficult emotions this week. And next week we may be faced with a choice between D&C, drugs that cause the sac to abort, or waiting until natural miscarriage eventually occurs. Yea, we need wisdom and grace.
Thanks for your love and support of our family. Blogging state side is way more difficult for me, but I will continue to try and keep all of you updated on our family as we negotiate the chaos of American life.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress. my God in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2
