For about a week now I have been feeling the need to dust off this space and make it new again.  So many of you, my faithful readers, have been content with my lack of posts.  You know, as I have said before, that I find my American life much less blog worthy.

I was struck this week, however, with how much I love my life here just as much as life in Africa.  And now that I have recovered from the reverse culture shock of feeling that things here are too luxurious for broadcast, I am able to enjoy the every day beauty in my days without feeling guilty.  You see, even though by American standards, our three bedroom apartment is nothing big, the wall to wall carpet and central air feel very luxurious by my African standards.  And I know my “African friends” both expats and natives are checking this space from time to time.

We have settled in now.

I wish this space could hold an album of pictures entitled “Hope At Work.”  Unfortunately for you, privacy laws limit my photo taking abilities.  Every day I am thankful for the opportunity to interact with children who are like me and unlike in so many ways.  We dance and sing and work and play and celebrate each other.  They fill me up with praises.  Just today I got, “Mrs. Johansson you have a BEAUTIFUL singing voice.” and “Mrs. Johansson I really like your boots.”  That combined with about a million hugs and the satisfaction I feel when they “get” what I am teaching fill my heart up every day.

And I know that if this was the life I was called to lead forever I would be happy.

But it’s not.

I dream of Africa.

I dream of other children.  They look a lot like the ones in my fancy public school classroom.  Except for their clothes and their language and their experience.  I am ready.  Ready to go.  Ready to work in a place that is dirty and hot.  A place I find confusing and hard.

Yesterday Dave showed me this.  As we watched, Sam and Nata climbed up on the bed.  At the end my face was covered in tears.  I turned to Sam and said, “That’s what I want to do Sam.  That’s what I’m called to do.  And that’s why we can’t stay here in America.”  Sam said, “Are we going to take care of kids in Uganda?”  I smiled through my tears (He knows about Uganda from his Auntie Laura.)  ”No, our family is called to take care of kids in Niger.”

We are taking steps in that direction.  Getting excited.  Just today we got some very great news and an open door to keep moving forward with our plan.

And so, I am going to document our days again.  And tell you the story of our life here with hopes that it becomes the story of our life there.

I have walked a hard path these last few months.  The Lord has definitely held my hand through some very tough physical struggles ending in an emergency D&C (surgery) last week.  He is my protector, and I am so thankful that I was in America for all of this.  And now I am ready to look around and enjoy my life.   Our plans have changed.  We were hoping to be having a baby this spring or this summer.  We are not.

But I can honestly say that I trust Him, and I am totally fine with His plan.  It is different from my own.  He is in control and I am not.  Admittedly this attitude has taken some time to get to.  There have been moments of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.  Today when I look around at my life, my boys, my husband, my now I can honestly say, “It’s going to be a really great year!”

Thank you so much to all of you are invested in me and in us.   I have really been floored by it all.  One Sunday after my September post a friend at church approached Dave with concern.  ”Hope hasn’t posted for a week!  How is she?”  I feel loved.

It’s going to be a really great year.  More posts to come.  Thanks for reading!

I didn’t wear any mascara to work this morning.  Since August 29th, my first day, I have gotten up every morning and put on my makeup.  But for some reason this morning I looked at that old tube my sister gave me back in February in Niger and I decided I didn’t want to fool with it.  It was old and dried out from traveling across three continents.  And I just felt the freedom not to today.

I arrived at school a little earlier than normal this morning and decided to use the restroom before heading out to the bus loop for my morning duty.  What I found in there sent the course of my day on a detour that was shocking and unexpected.  I quickly grabbed my cell phone and ran to the office calling Dave on the way. In the office I found the whole administrative team.  The news flooded out of me with hot tears.

“I’m pregnant and bleeding,” I announced, ” I need to leave for the doctor right now.”  They encouraged me to GO.  Asked me if I needed help.  Told me not to worry about a substitute.  I talked with them briefly about my schedule and my lesson plans and I hurried to the car.

The traffic was thick by that time.  I talked with Dave several times.  He worked to arrange things with the OB office letting them know I was on my way.  I left weepy voice mails for my dad , mom, and sister asking them to pray.  Further down the road a tired sounding Laura called back to pray with me over the phone.  Then my mom did the same.

The cramps were getting worse and at times I wept hard thinking about my baby and its struggle for life.  I took a pregnancy test back in the end of August the same week I started my new job.  For some reason this one felt different in my heart and my head.  I held onto my news and didn’t feel like shouting it out like I did with the others.  I felt guilty and apologetic for not valuing the life inside me.  I thought about the furniture I had moved and the bumps my belly had taken lately as I played with the kids.  And then I heard that still small voice and I began to pray.  I asked God to protect me and the life inside me and I surrendered us to him, the Author of Life.

After a lot of searching, I found my OB office in a new location, and greeted the receptionist with my story:  I had no appointment, no insurance card, no pregnancy that their office had confirmed, just a feeling of urgency and tears.  I waited for a little while and was called to the back. I met with my OB who examined me and ordered an ultra sound.  She echoed my fears saying that she didn’t know for sure, but wanted me to be prepared that this could very well be a miscarriage.

I waited some more again trying to hold back the tears as I tried to read a magazine about the royal wedding.  Finally I was called back to the ultra sound room.  When the tech saw my uterus on the screen she frowned.

“I see your gestational sac, but it’s empty.  If you were eight weeks pregnant we would be able to see a baby with a heart beat.  Maybe you’re not as far along as you thought.” She offered, “Sometimes we can be wrong about these things.”

“But even if I was five weeks or four, you would see something in that sac.”  I questioned more than stated.  She shook her head in agreement.

“What does this mean?  Can you tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “You have to wait and talk to your doctor.  I can’t make a diagnosis.  She will use the blood work and exam to get a full picture.”

Dave and I were very sure about the date of conception.  There was no doubt in my mind that this result meant I was not going to be able to “keep” this baby.  As I waited to talk to my doctor again I tried not to think about it- not to pray- not to worry, but I had to let myself cry.  I couldn’t go back to the waiting room and act like nothing was wrong.  I sat and watched an infant play with his daddy’s nose.  I smiled through the tears and thought of my own when they were so small.  How quickly those moments pass.  Life is such a gift from heaven.  New life is a sparkly, infectious, overwhelming joy that all of share and smile at when we see.

Back in the exam room, my doctor encouraged me.  She showed me the pictures taken at the ultra sound and told me that she believed I had a blighted ovum.  The fertilized egg never grew into an embryo.  My body thought I was pregnant, but there was no viable embryo inside of me.  We will wait a week and have another ultra sound hoping that by some miracle there is a growing embryo inside of me.  If next week’s tests are the same as today’s we will consider the pregnancy a loss.

This evening I am flooded with relief and thankfulness.  I am not in control of conception and the miracle that happens in the secret places inside me.  I trust a creator who is also my keeper, my protector, and my strength.  He has given me three beautiful, joy-filled children to come home to today.  Although I am a little sad adjusting to the change in our plans that swept upon us today, I am so aware that our lives are safe in his hands.

And so I’m asking all of you to pray for a special grace this week.  My doctor says I will likely miscarry the gestational sac this week and to be prepared for that.  I am experiencing quite a bit of cramping and some bleeding already.  We are also processing some difficult emotions this week.  And next week we may be faced with a choice between D&C, drugs that cause the sac to abort, or waiting until natural miscarriage eventually occurs.  Yea, we need wisdom and grace.

Thanks for your love and support of our family.  Blogging state side is way more difficult for me, but I will continue to try and keep all of you updated on our family as we negotiate the chaos of American life.

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress.  my God in whom I trust.” Psalm 91:1-2

Hello from our new apartment.  We have spent two nights here, and after the weeks of travel turned into months, we are so glad to be in our own space.

In the end, we decided not to drive our family from TX to CA to VA.  Good choice.

Instead, we drove from TX to FL to GA to VA.

I’m going to include a few pictures here and more on facebook.  Click here to see the fb album.

We had so much fun on our travels.  Florida is our state this year.  We camped and visited family, spent lots of time comparing the many beautiful beaches, and just generally had fun being together, just us Jos.

Now “life” in America begins.  We are working on setting up our little pad here in M’ville.   We received a giant blessing from our friends Charlie and Gwen and the ROC Thrift Store here in Richmond.  I accepted a job this morning teaching Elementary Music for the same school system I worked in before we left for Africa.  Sam will be in school and Nata in pre-school three days a week.  That frees Dave up to work on support raising and getting ready for our return to Niger.

Lots of time spent having fun in the car.

Lots of time spent having fun in a tent.

Seeing things we’ve never seen- like starfish!

Lots of time spent having fun at the beach.

Seeing all the sights.

This picture was taken at the Georgia State Aquarium.  Thank you Grandma for bringing us there.  It was SO cool.

Well, we’re here.

I find it more difficult to blog in America.  I think I have less free time here.  There are many more options for entertainment.  Especially when you’re visiting your friends and family.

We have (of course) been having a blast.  We arrived in Boston on Tuesday, June 28th.  Our trip was longer than expected because of a two hour delay in the Paris airport.  We flew from Biarritz to Paris to Iceland and then Boston.  Then Dave’s brother Dan (our hero) picked us up in their giant car and drove us to Dave’s parent’s house in Grafton.  We did not arrive in Grafton until close to midnight.  Then Dan drove an hour back to his house and got up early for work the next morning.  What a good brother!  We are blessed.

Two weeks in Grafton flew by.  The first weekend was spent in a house full of family.  Dave’s younger brother, Jonathan and his wife and two kids (the younger of which we had not met) stayed through the fourth of July.  We spent hours and hours eating, playing outside, and talking.  We also wet to the beach, went to church together as a big family and afterward to the annual fourth of July picnic, and just enjoyed being together.

Dave and I were also able to travel to Camden, Maine and stay the night with our friends, the Bennetts.  We love Maine and love our friends and also really appreciated the time to “debrief” with Mitch and Debbie.  Mitch is the Missions Director at our church and both Mitch and Debbie are very good at asking questions and helping people reflect upon all the blessings and sufferings of missionary life.

On Tuesday, July 12, we packed the kids into a rental car and drove from Massachusetts to Virgina.  We are staying with our friend, the Walkers, in their new house.  Liz is pregnant with twins, and their son Josiah has transformed from a baby to a little boy since the last time we saw them.  We are having a blast here with them and enjoying some time to really talk and build our friendship with them.  Today Liz, Dave, and I took the kids to the Chidrens’ Museum and then Chick-fil-a for lunch.  It feels so great to visit the places and people in Richmond that we love.  We are really looking forward to being at church on Sunday.

This coming Tuesday, July 19, we will fly to Texas to visit friends and family there.

Please continue to pray…

for our safe travels this summer including our kids who are so far doing pretty well with funky routines and fold out beds

for God’s wisdom and favor as we make some big decisions about the future of our ministry (like which sending organization) and our life here in the US (like where to live)

for our friends back in Niger especially Rachid who is still waiting for the court to decide about his adoption to the US.  Please pray for a miracle and favor as it is not looking really positive at this point.

We will try to do better about checking in here.  It will definitely be easier when we purchase a lap top.  Right now we are computerless and relying on the generosity of friends as they let us log in on their computers.    thank you friends

Also- many have asked- we have not yet signed up with a cell phone carrier.  We are hoping to do that TODAY and will email let you guys know via txt, email, or fb messages when it happens.  Thanks for your patience.  Right now email is the best way to get in touch with us.   I will also try and update fb with some new photos soon.

LOVE from VA!  the Jos

Hello friends! We arrived at Helen and Phil’s house yesterday and are having a total blast. It’s great to be here with friends. We LOVE our friends and LOVE Biarritz.
I want to do a travel post later with the deets on our vacay, but I know that some of you are itching for pictures and info (Hi MOM!) We had an awesome time in Paris- although (as you can imagine) it had it’s moments of stress. It rained every day that we were there, but not ALL day every day. The boys did really great and proved that they are made to be world travelers. I think I will try and go day by day and back post for those of you who want to read it.
We arrived here yesterday and were pleased to find warm, sunny weather and a smiling pregnant Helen to greet us at the train station. We enjoyed an awesome salmon dinner with fish sticks for the small guys and lots and lots of cheese.
This morning we walked to the beach where we found the water PAINFULLY chilly- especially Nata who fell face first into an icy wave. So, lucky boy that he is, he pranced around Biarritz in his underwear. I don’t think any of the topless sunbathers were offended. What a change in location.
We are full of joy and savoring every moment. We also can’t wait to be home in the USA soon.
Love from France,
the Jos